We love Christmas (and the Holiday season in general) here at GeekMundo, and normally we LOVE to talk about all the cool gifts you can get friends and loved ones (or even acquaintances). Yet, we realized that some people have had just about enough of some real “gobshites” they’re stuck with. Why leave them out this Holiday season? Get them something troll-worthy courtesy of our holiday gift ideas and guide for the wankers in your life.
‘Tis the season to be snarky! Troll-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo! Let’s do this:
10) Creepy Rock Guy… Thing.
For $20 bucks, you could seriously unsettle that hater in your life. I recommend saying the following as you hand it to them: “I bought him because he reminded me of you. The resemblance was just so uncanny for me!” For epic troll factor, put it in the biggest, swankiest box, wrapping paper, and bag (preferably from Tiffany’s or Nordstrom’s) you can get (for free, of course!).
9) Bacon Soda
Rhett and Link at Blip.TV’s Good Mythical Morning were a hell of a lot braver than me. They tasted this bacon soda (sent to them by a fan) and managed not to puke it up within the first 10 seconds. In fact, most people who tried it thought it was death in soda form.
Just looking at this makes me ill. This is why it would be perfect to give to your boss or annoying ass coworker. Even better, give it to that annoying in-law or relative in front of the entire family or company Christmas party. Everyone will gather round in morbid curiosity to watch this person drink said repugnant beverage, leading the person to suck it up and drink up. Hilarity will ensue… Trust me.
8) Used Socks
Yes, selling used socks (and underwear for that matter) is definitely a thing, and has made quite a few people a small little fortune. You wouldn’t give this to a coworker or boss (unless you’re quitting or won the lotto), but to that relative that makes you want to gauge your eyes out. While everyone’s opening presents at the family Christmas soiree, hand the aforementioned relative these socks in front of everyone, and let their repugnance warm your wicked soul. Find them on Ebay…
7) Barbie Zombies
We wouldn’t advise giving this to your children, unless you’re fairly certain that you hate them. This is the wrong post for you. Seek help. However, some folks have nieces that are spoiled, rotten devil spawn. We’ve got the perfect gift for them! Go to the store, buy several Barbies, follow this tutorial, or decorate them to your evil heart’s content for maximum scariness, put them back in the box all wrapped up, and gift. Voila! That’ll teach the little brats, right?
6) iPhone… iStove
If you have a request from a relative or lover for an iPhone 5S or iPhone 5C, and you want maximum trolling, see if you can get your hands on this iPhone knock-off/stove from China. Yes, they put the iPhone logo on the stove…
5) The J. Crew Sweater from Hell
Whoever you give this collection cashmere tile sweater in moss from J. Crew will beg and plead for the ugliest of Christmas sweaters. This abomination, originally priced at $498 and now retailing for $328, is best suited if money is no object in your quest for total Christmas destruction. God have mercy on your soul…
4) Turkey Mask
I actually want to buy this just to use at house parties or YouTube videos, but that’s because we have a sick sense of humor. We can’t offend ourselves, can we? What this clumsy cook turkey mask will do, if given to a frenemy, is bury the relationship once and for all under some epic “shade”. Directions for gifting? Wrap it up in the most epic, awesome wrapping paper ever, add colorful bows and all that good shit, then sit back and watch their face as the awful realization that they’ve been trolled hits them. Don’t forget to post it on Instagram! *This is also good as a gag gift.*
3) Facebook Gift Cards
A Facebook gift card isn’t something you’d give to your mom or friend that actually likes playing shit like that on Facebook. No, if you’re looking for holiday gift ideas for that hardcore gamer that you revile, then a Facebook gift card–specifically indicating that you bought it for them to play Farmville, or whatever horrid FB game du jour is cool now–is the perfect gift card for maximum spiteful effects. No, there won’t be any Call of Duty: Ghosts, Xbox One, or PlayStation 4… Just a Facebook gift card for Farmville. Wicked satisfaction ensues.
2) Krampuskarten (Krampus Cards)
We’ve all had to tolerate that one person who goes on and on about how awesome their little runts are. We get it! Your kids are great! We’re supposed to believe your kids are better than everyone else’s kids because they were birthed by fairies and angels on the back of a unicorn’s back, until they came down to Earth on a rainbow to bless us mortals. Well, give them (and their little darlings) a set of Krampuskarten (Krampus cards) like the one above, and give them a run down on what Krampus actually does to children.
Number one is reserved for that person (or people) in your life that are just real assholes. The creme de la creme of Le Douchebags. For anywhere from $15.95 to $44.95 (minus shipping and handling) you can send your crappy relative, friend (frenemy), spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, coworker, boss, teacher, neighbor, etc. an assortment of shit from animals like cows, elephants, and gorillas from Shitsenders.com. The best part of it? It’s completely anonymous! So you can sit back on Christmas day or Christmas Eve with your hot cocoa (with marshmallows), laughing your perfected evil laugh, and opening presents while the King or Queen of Assholes in your life opens a box of shit.