Honestly, looking at the stills for Warner Bros. Annabelle, the James Wan produced prequel to The Conjuring, the horror on the actors’ faces actually sort of made me chuckle. It’s not anything about them, but the fact that a doll is terrorizing all sorts of people from the priest to the baby is kind of comical to me. So, I wondered what brutally honest comments would be made if these characters were actual people facing an occult, demon doll. I mean, I’m going through the pics, and I can only imagine what real people’s inner monologue might be. I know what mine would be for sure, and they aren’t for the kiddies.
“Nope. This is so not going to come back to bite me in the ass later on. So what if the doll looks like the devil himself used to play with it growing up? She’s got a red bow, damn it.”
“I’m thinking this shit could have waited until morning. Yep! This was definitely a bad decision. Why the fuck am I down here?”
“You know what? Fuck this. A baby stroller is literally just chilling– Actually, who the hell buys a black stroller? Who let Casey Anthony in the building?”
Husband: “This guy looks like he has a thing for juveniles. I’d better keep an eye on him. I’ll just put my hands on my waist. Show him I mean business… Let my balls hang.”
Wife: “Dude, please get that demonic bitch out of my house.”
Priest: “God damn! She looks like Satan’s sex doll…”
Priest: “What the fuck have I gotten myself into? And I can’t find my damn car keys?”
Annabelle doll: “Oh, Mr. Priest. You can’t just be holding me any type of way. Just you wait until we’re alone.”
“Alright, white people… What the hell did you get yourselves into that will probably see me sacrificing my life for yours?”
Wife: “I swear I’m going to turn your ass into mulch when I get the chance. Ugh! Why did I even keep you?”
Annabelle: “Girl, I’d like to see you try. Fuck out my face…”
“Alone again walking down poorly lit halls… Where the hell is my husband?”
“That bitch is standing behind me, isn’t she? Shit!”
Wife: “Look, I’m not turning around. Let me just concentrate on that spot on the wall. Fix it, Jesus!”
Annabelle: “Oh, hell yeah effin’ right! I can float now, little miss Homemaker Barbie. It’s so on now.”
“Fuck! I slept with my contacts in AGAIN– Wait… I’m a doll! Why didn’t I just possess the wife? I’d be laid up under that sexy ass husband of hers, instead of on some couch with my eyes on fire.”
“I swear I have eye herpes… Anyway, I possessed the priest! Just step a little closer… I know you are. You make awful decisions.”
Wife: “So I’m just going to sit here and take this shit from a doll? What happened to my life?”
“I told you I was going to turn you into mulch! Look at what the hell you did to my walls! I was going to put this room on Pinterest*!”
Baby: ” I have the worst fucking parents in the world. Like, seriously…”
“How do you people find yourselves in these situations? I’m truly wondering.”
Wife: “Wait, what did you mean ‘you people’?”
“You can’t faze me, son! I’m fucking insane. Better yet, I’m sitting right here. Come at me, bro. I want you to. Come and see me so I can mess you up.”
John Form has found the perfect gift for his expectant wife, Mia—a beautiful, rare vintage doll in a pure white wedding dress. But Mia’s delight with Annabelle doesn’t last long.
On one horrific night, their home is invaded by members of a satanic cult, who violently attack the couple. Spilled blood and terror are not all they leave behind. The cultists have conjured an entity so malevolent that nothing they did will compare to the sinister conduit to the damned that is now…Annabelle.
Annabelle Wallis (“X-Men: First Class”) and Ward Horton (“The Wolf of Wall Street”) star as the Forms. Oscar nominee Alfre Woodard (“Cross Creek,” “Twelve Years a Slave”) stars as Evelyn, a neighbor who owns a bookstore and is familiar with the occult. Rounding out the cast are Kerry O’Malley (TV’s “Those Who Kill”) and Brian Howe (“Devil’s Knot”) as neighbors Sharon and Pete Higgins; Tony Amendola (TV’s “Once Upon A Time”) as Father Perez; and Eric Ladin (TV’s “Boardwalk Empire,”) as Detective Clarkin.
“Annabelle” reunites the filmmakers behind 2013’s hugely successful supernatural thriller “The Conjuring.” James Wan, director of the global hit, is producing “Annabelle” with Peter Safran. John R. Leonetti, who served as cinematographer on “The Conjuring,” is directing.
Annabelle hits theaters this Friday!