Who is Chet Chesterton Mathers>?
Chet Chesterson Mathers was born. At some point in his life he got older and went to college. From his humble beginnings as the son of a billionaire olive oil tycoon, Chet went on to graduate valedictorian from Harvard, Princeton, Yale, and Cambridge, simultaneously. He holds doctorate-level degrees in Medicine, Law, Parenting, and Internet Comic Creation, with a minor in Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields.
Chet has been recognized as the most intelligent mammal to have ever lived as well as the world’s strongest doctor. Conversely, Chet’s “Act first; Think later” philosophy is the reason there is a “Do not eat” warning label on chemicals.
Chet has a penis; It is also named Chet.
Chet (the man, not the penis) does not drink alcohol because when he does it causes him to no longer distinguish between friend and foe. (R.I.P. Auntie Abigail).
Chet knows eighteen languages, seventeen of them being variations of Pig Latin, and the other being underwater belching sonar.
Chet’s love of hunting wild game is why unicorns no longer exist.
Because of a freak experiment conducted in Chet’s final PhD class on Thermonuclear Fission, Chet is approximately 37% double bacon cheeseburger.
Chet drives a custom-made Dodge Stratus. It is custom-made in that it is not a Dodge Stratus, but actually a Lamborghini Diablo. He refers to it also as “Chet.” (See above penis statement).
Chet is a cannibal. He craves the flesh of people who are also 37% double bacon cheeseburger.
Chet has never actually eaten anyone.
