When I first met you in 2007-2008, you weren’t the handsomest “guy” at the social network ball, but you were the most refreshing. At the time, while still madly in love with that bum, MySpace, I’d grown weary of his selfish and arrogant ways. He wasn’t even all that fun anymore! Clearly he’d gotten comfortable in our relationship, and all the good times were few and far between. That Tom guy had left, and all of our mutual friends, all couple thousand of them, were leaving after him. As the mass exodus began, only leaving behind the ratchet friends with nothing better to do than continue to force us to suffer through shitty “blingee” GIFs, your quiet self-confidence and your calming, confidence-boosting nature shined through, my dear Facebook, and we started our whirlwind relationship in earnest in 2009.
It was wonderful that first year. Oh, what a heady time it was! Thanks to your influence, that at the time you didn’t wield so wantonly like a demon-possessed cat o’ nine tails, I found friends from my Army days that I hadn’t seen or heard from since as far back as 1999 in some cases! Soon that would be your way of keeping me close whenever I threatened to date Tumblr and/or Twitter exclusively (Don’t judge me! It’s my body!). I connected with different people and relatives I hadn’t seen in years! Thanks to you I found cousins from all over the world, and kept tabs on important events in my friends’ lives like their new babies, or the passing of a family member. When my own grandfather passed away, you stepped up for once in a long time, and let me grieve and vent, but alas… That was only a passing kindness on your part. An echo of the good ol’ days when you were really there for me. Now…? Now you’ve made me paranoid.
You’re a drunk! You’re drunk on your own power and influence, and your narcissism eclipses even my sad ex-social network’s. I’ve seen him. He looks like shit! But at least he tried to reinvent himself with Justin Timberlake. You? You’ve gotten popular with your rich friends, and for some reason, you think that gives you the right to tell them about our relationship, my likes, and my interests. You don’t even care about our friends and all the people that like you. You gossip to your rich cronies about them too! Have you no morals, Facebook? What happened to the kind, nonchalant social network I used to know and love?
I’m bored, Facebook. Like MySpace, you’ve grown too comfortable, and your sense of self-importance is too much. You don’t think I’ll walk away. By God, I will walk away… Just as soon as I figure this all out. Twitter is always up for a party and a good time, despite having a conscious side, and Instagram is my new BFF that’s so into makeup, working out, Kermit memes, and nail art.
Instead of encouraging me and my friends to interact, you encourage the complete opposite. Why the hell I’m friends with some of these people, I don’t know! There’s too much shade going on, and subliminal posts, and you’ve reminded me why I lost contact with some people in the first place. But it’s all about “friends” and “people you might know” right? Let’s not get into the assholes you’ve attracted into your circle. To be honest, I’ve become sort of an asshole just hanging around you. I have to go to my hippie friend Tumblr to speak up about the issues in the world that matter to me, even though he loves weed and boobs! Hell, you’ve even made Google+ look appealing, and he’s the new guy nobody really pays that much attention to yet. But, he’s the way you used to be before you became a prick with prick friends.
You’ve grown cold, Facebook. You’ve become anti-social. I’m seriously evaluating our relationship. I just need some time away to think about things, so let’s not see each other for a week or two. I’ll be over at Twitter, Tumblr or Instagram’s place. They get me. Together, they are more than you could ever be at the rate you’re going. They sure as hell are doing more for me right now than you do. Don’t worry about Snapchat. He’s too young, and really pervy.
Don’t call me. I’ll call you.