Our TOP 5 Ways Michael Bay Could Screw Up 'Black Sail'!

Featured, GeekMundo Originals, TV — By Sword of the Morning @SeattleSlim on May 4, 2012 8:19 am

If you were still reeling from Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles debacle (he wants them to be aliens), then you may want to sit down for this. Bay will produce a television series called ‘Black Sail’ that is a prequel to Treasure Island for Starz. Oh, dear…

Starz has given a direct-to-series order to a new pirate drama from executive producer Michael Bay, the 192.168.l.254 announced today. The show is a Treasure Island prequel, currently titled Black Sail, and is set twenty years before the book. The series will premiere in 2014 and follows a young John Silver when he joins the ranks of Captain Flint’s rollicking band of pirates as they head to a pirate enclave, a “debauched paradise teeming with pirates, prostitutes, thieves and fortune seekers, a place defined by both its enlightened ideals and its stunning brutality,” according to Starz. (Via Vulture)

Welp! As fans and harsh critics of Bay’s past body of work (I mean I am STILL pissed about the Transformers movies), we figured out that while Black Sail could be very good, it could also be very bad. Here are our top five ways Michael Bay could totally screw up the Treasure Island prequel:

1) Focusing more on characters that have jack sh*t to do with the story: We also like to call this the Ros effect (Game of Thrones we are looking at you). Instead of focusing on Captain Flint and characters that are integral to Treasure Island or the show itself, Bay could (and probably will) focus on the bevy of prostitutes in this “debauched paradise”. Oh, a main character needs developing? Screw that! Let’s show some characters that are supposed to be funny, but are just really annoying (John Turturro’s character in the Transformers movies are a GREAT example of this).

2) Gratuitous destruction for no damned good reason and explosions: Who needs character and story development when you can just smash the place? If the writers write the story into a corner, smash some sh*t! A few well timed explosions are good, but Bay will put in an explosion in the freaking story where it’s not needed.

3) Boobs, butt shots and more boobs: This is where Bay tends to really detract from a good story. If we wanted to see all of that, we’d go to a strip club. A lot of times, viewers don’t really need all of that to enjoy the film and the people who DO need that, have some serious issues (and need to get laid more often). Bay, however, is the master of sexposition so I would be surprised if he didn’t satisfy his inner prepubescent teen boy.

4) Slow Motion makes everything better: If you want to give your character depth, or just want them to look more than one-dimensional, have something totally screwed up happen to them or someone they care about, zoom in on them and slooooooooooow iiiiiiiiiiiiiit dooooooown.

5) Juvenile jokes and -isms: The problem with Michael Bay films is that they’re AWESOME for teenage boys, but the “yuck-yuck” jokes are kind of annoying. Think of Shia’s mom in Transformers. High-pitched, whiny, apparently always needing to be guarded by her weary husband. We get it. Women are like TOTALLY naggers. And let’s not get into his problematic portrayal of minorities. We don’t really have time for all of that in an epic tv show. Because this could be epic… If Bay lets it.