5 Sanity-Saving Reasons Why I Skipped TRANSFORMERS 4

There comes a time in life where you just have to walk away from certain things, and I decided after Transformers: Dark of the Moon that it was high time to walk away from Michael Bay and his bastardization of the Autobots and Decepticons.  I just… I can’t.  I remained hopeful, but the minute I saw the first trailer, and subsequent trailers, I just knew that I could not handle another attack on my damn sanity.  And I was not about to waste close to three hours allowing Bay and his people to do it.  I’d rather watch bats mate.  Here’s why I stayed my ass home, and watched the World Cup instead (aside from the World Cup being fucking awesome of course).

5) The Last Three Movies Sucked: Look, you can kid yourself if you want, and be THAT kind of fanboy/fangirl, but you know deep in your undiscerning little heart that Transformers 1-3 sucked big time.  They never make sense.  They never tie up storylines properly.  The writers were clearly on Molly or bath salts half the time, because that is the only explanation for the bumblefuck each movie progressively became.  And I’m not even mad.  I’m just tired of paying for it.

4) The Female Leads Will Always Be Idiots: Michael Bay is clearly not a fan of the empowered female (see Rinko Kikuchi in Pacific Rim for an example of how a bad chick in a movie works well).  Again, you can kid yourself if you like, but facts don’t lie, and the proof is in the film.  Transformer movies thrive on dumb broads with death wishes who make even more idiotic decisions.  And they’ll risk the people they love because of those shit decisions, because they need saving. Duh!  Bitches be like save me and all that, am I right?  Critical thinking be damned.  Hell, by the third movie I missed Megan Fox’s ratchet damsel-in-distress act.  Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, and now Nicola Peltz, are arguably, some of the worst sexual props–because that’s all they are–in movies ever.  Sorry, Nicola.  I can’t watch you act a fool on screen for three hours.  I already knew I wanted your character very dead the minute I saw the trailer.

3) Optimus Prime Rides Grimlock… Like a Fucking Horse: Do I EVEN need to explain?  What in the the seven hells?  And if you need an explanation, I’m sorry.  Perhaps Kermit the Snitch can explain…

2) Michael Bay Will Throw Massive Shade: In all of Bay’s Transformers offerings he has thrown shade at everything and everyone that isn’t a conservative, white male.  Female?  Shade.  Foreigner?  Shade.  Minority?  Shade.  Liberal?  Shade.  Intelligent?  Oh, you’re getting shade.  If I want to spend close to three hours watching shade be thrown at other people, I’ll watch a Real Housewives of Atlanta marathon.

1) It’s Not Meant For Me: This movie is not aimed at my particular demographics.  Plain and simple.  And while that’s okay, I’m not going to spend money on it either.  At 32 years old, my time is precious and fleeting.  I could take three hours to relax quietly, or withstand an onslaught that’s basically only there to take my money, while I leave the theater none the better, or more fulfilled for it in any way.  Maybe in a few years, someone else will do a better job.  Besides, I need all the energy I can get to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Did you watch Transformers: Age of Extinction?  Agree?  Disagree?  Holla at your girl.  I gets money!*

*Note: I can’t resist a Boondocks ref if I can help  it.