Was it just us, or was Halloween 2013 the most exhaustive All Hallow’s Eve ever? Between the hot, walking garbage dressed as a mortally wounded Trayvon Martin to asshole neighbors opting to fat shame kids into anorexia or bulimia, it sucked this year. We’re so glad it’s over! Still, we wanted to say farewell to the dicks who messed up Halloween for the rest of us. Here are the top ten biggest jerks of Halloween 2013. God have mercy on their wretched souls…
10. Lindsay Lohan
Why Lindsay Lohan keeps getting work is beyond me… I’m not sure why anyone continues to give her a chance, but they do and they keep failing for it. The “actress” was scheduled to host a party at the Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut on Halloween, but showed up 90 minutes late. Now, the casino wants a cut of that money back. Like Rihanna would say, #poordat. Lohan’s career is seriously nothing more than Saran… It’s been a wrap for years.
9. People with Decorations Designed to Traumatize
It’s one thing to do a really good job decorating for Halloween, using those awesome dolls and lights… It’s good times. However, when your costume is sure to send a child or an adult into catatonic depression, then you’ve pretty much sucked the fun out of Halloween like a big ass, fun-killing vampire. How can anyone go trick or treating if they are at the local mental hospital, or holed up in their happy place, trying to get over the horror of seeing two mangled corpses? Don’t be mad when they hit you up for therapy money. I do give the Mullins (the auteurs of the horror that made the news above) credit for expert level trolling.
8. The Neighbor Handing Out Fat Shaming Notes to Chubby Kids
This woman really tried it… Instead of minding her own business and not being a sanctimonious twonk, one woman named “Cheryl” from Fargo, North Dakota opted to hand out a fat shaming letter (above) to any trick-or-treaters she saw fit to designate as a Chubby Wubbums. Yes! Because, you know, you can TOTALLY tell who’s unhealthy by looking at them… Amirite? I’m sure her unique medical gifts will lead to all the awards next year. Someone give this lady a Nobel Peace Prize for the attempted murder of kids’ self-esteem.
7. The Ranting Racist Music Teacher
When will people learn to either get right or don’t post on social media? Jackhole David Spondike, a music teacher from Akron, Ohio, found himself in serious hot water after his racist rant (above) became public (screenshots FTW!). Look, those kids are true assholes for doing what they did, but racial slurs? Tell them to piss off and keep it moving, or call the cops. Racist rants on Facebook probably won’t accomplish a lot. In other news, he used to work for Jerry Springer back
when it was good in the day. Go figure…
6. Ireland Baldwin
A few days before Halloween, Ireland Baldwin–known best for being the daughter of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger–tweeted a photo of herself in a crappy “Indian” costume. You know, those costumes only douches wear when they are hellbent on appropriating other people’s cultures poorly? Of course, all hell broke loose on Twitter, but she was not having it. To defend herself, she told people that she was Cherokee, implying that she should be given a pass. Well, honey, that clearly wasn’t that important to you, considering you’re a female wearing a toy war bonnet. Have a Ferris wheel full of seats, Ireland.
5. Nicki Minaj
Nicki Minaj clearly decided Halloween was too much work, dug into her sexy times drawer, and put on whatever she found and called it a costume. Hell, even Rihanna tried and you know she hates clothes.
Rihanna is incredibly pretty (on the outside), but she tries so hard. Indicating that she might be stalking her troubled ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend, Karrueche Tran, Rihanna dressed up as a “chola” for Halloween… Several days after Tran did. She looks pretty, but then again, hanging out with cholas and cholos, they always had a certain “je ne sais quois” about them. Still, Rih-Rih has way too much going on to be “swaggerjacking” another girl’s Halloween costume. It’s not a coincidence.
3. @DopeBieber and @KinkyStyles
— عقثلتهى (@DopeBieber) October 29, 2013
There really are no words… Despite the fact that I am pretty sure these two troll level 10, mega-morons aren’t the lames in the actual photo, they still represent the worst of what Halloween has come to mean for a bunch of people.
2. The Douche From Larchmont-Edgewater
Going from sort of bitchy and whiny, to racist and angry, the letter from one Larchmont-Edgewater resident on Craigslist’s Rants and Raves section is pathetically dramatic and over-the-top. The letter warned kids of a certain race to stay away from trick-or-treating in their neighborhood. Was this person ever familiar with the Constitution? I’m pretty sure you can’t go about calling the cops on minority kids who come to your neighborhood, ignoramus.
1. Caitlin Cimeno, Greg Cimeno, and William Filene
What can be said about Caitlin Cimeno, William Filene, and Greg Cimeno that hasn’t already been said about animal feces? Very little, if anything at all. Last weekend, Caitlin posted the photos on her Instagram page and Facebook page or herself standing between her brother and friend dressed as
murdering George Zimmerman and a dead Trayvon Martin (RIP) in blackface. These folks were the very picture of class, right? As the internet went in on their asses, more info was discovered about Cimeno–unsurprisingly, she really is a racist piece of crap–from her Facebook page. In the end, karma struck quickly and she was fired. Her brother and his friend are probably facing the same fate.
Thank you Based Internet Gawds for handing out iJustice.
(Dis)honorable mentions go out to the people who dressed as the Asiana pilots, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and the people out causing mayhem on Halloween in New York (or any other city for that matter).